Knox's Little Annie

1

I bit my cheek as my leg bounced uncontrollably against the car seat. I had been staring outside the window without blinking the entire ride. Every inch of my body felt like it was vibrating and not even my tightly wrung hands could keep it in check. I untucked and re-tucked my hair for the umpteenth time as we pulled into the parking lot and against the curb.

"Annie," Serena's voice called, but even as I turned my head to look at her, my eyes remained glazed over and unfocused. "I know you're nervous and...", she hesitated, "scared."

A breath left my lips as I turned my head back to look at the daunting building before me. In this moment, scared felt like a severe understatement.

Serena continued, "I know you're going to do well here. You are such a strong girl, so much stronger than I think even you know."

"I can't do it." The words left me instinctively. It wasn't just that I felt it, it's that I knew it deep down in my bones, in my soul, in every inch of my being. I wasn't ready yet. It was too soon. I haven't finished grieving yet.

"Yes. You can." Serena's words laced in finality. "I know this is a push for you but it's one I know you need. I wouldn't do it if I wasn't certain it was something you could handle."

I chanced a glance back at Serena's face. Dark black hair framed her face in a neat, slightly wavy bob. Her dark brown eyes were warm like honey and the softness in which she looked at me spoke more to me than her words. Her cherry red lips quirked into a gentle smile, a gentle plead.

We may not be related by blood but she was the closest thing to family I have ever had. Not even 6 months since taking me in, letting me move into her home and become her legal responsibility, and she was the woman who cared about me more deeply than anyone ever before. I was forever indebted to Serena, whether she thought about it that way or not.

"I don't think this will make me get better." I whispered. An admission from the inner workings of my mind - a place I rarely invited Serena into.

"How do you know if you are so unwilling to try?" Serena reached out and smoothed the back of my hair, her touch as gentle as her voice.

I gulped, shakily grabbing the strap of the pink backpack that laid at my feet.

I wasn't going to do this for me. Doing it for myself would not be enough to convince me to walk in there - let alone to even get out of this car. Going in there for Serena, though? She deserved that much and so much more. She deserved me to give this a genuine effort after all the trouble I've already put her through.

On the count of three, before I completely lost my nerve, I opened the car door and stepped out. Swinging my bag over my shoulder, I closed the car door behind me before I could change my mind. Serena seemed to be thinking along the same lines because before I could take another second to think about what I'd just done, she was already pulling away from the curve and driving off with a gentle wave 'goodbye.'

I blinked and then blinked again.

My mind was working overtime trying to understand what I had just done. My mouth was slightly agape, dumbfounded. The pace of my heartbeat was quickening and suddenly I was too aware of my entire being.

I dared a glance to both my left and right.

Not many people were here yet. I was grateful then that Serena had decided to drop me off extra early so that I could get my schedule squared away. Most teenagers didn't bother coming to school this early, certainly not if they didn't have to.

I dug my fingernails into both my palms, willing myself to start walking. My eyes darted all around me now. I felt increasingly exposed by the second. Consciously I knew that even as I walked, nobody was really looking my way. Unconsciously, that didn't stop the rising panic I felt in the form of bile hitting the back of my throat.