Time Will Tell (sequel to HMM)

Chapter 22- Don't Want To

--Allison-- 

I knew I shouldn't be running anymore, especially since I'd reopened the wound on my leg, I just couldn't stop. It had been ages since I'd been able to let my wolf free, it had been ages since I'd even been in touch with her, with that side of me. 

There was no way I could put her away now, and I didn't want to. I wanted to stay like this to run free and never have to return. Never have to look anyone in the eyes, never have to see their pity for what had happened to me. None of them knew the truth, not the whole truth. If they did they'd never see me the same way. They'd all think I was some damaged girl. 

No, no one would ever know. 

I didn't want to talk to some shrink or anyone else for that matter. I didn't need to talk about what had happened. It happened to me, now I'm away from it, and that's it. 

A howl ripped through the air, sounding hollow, empty. I realized that it was mine. It was the hollowness that I was feeling inside. 

Alarik thought I needed to talk to someone, his mother thought I needed to talk. I don't need to talk, I just need people to leave me alone. 

I'd found comfort in Alarik's arms last night when I went home with him, but in the morning it was like I couldn't find comfort in anything. 

I remember looking down at the ring on my hand in the morning after I'd been woken from my nightmare. The ring that contained the promises and desires Alarik had voiced. That he wanted me beside him, to help him, to be his Luna. 

Was I ready to take a step like that? I'd thought I was, I'd wanted Alarik, I'd wanted him longer than I'd let myself admit it. But was I actually ready?

Maybe I could just run away. Maybe that was what I needed, some time away to myself to think things through. Maybe I just didn't want this type of life anymore. 

I saw a gray blur from my peripheral and I slowed. I scanned the area searching for whatever it had been. I knew there was something, I just couldn't find it. 

I let out a warning growl, telling whatever it was to keep back. 

I saw the blur again, this time on my other side, this time closer. 

I let out another growl and turned to face where the blur had been. Then I saw her. The sleek gray wolf. Cassie. 

She had come all the way out here, no doubt on Alarik's command. 

What do you want? I asked her, my voice laced with anger. 

Al, I want you to come back with me. 

I don't want to go back. 

Allison, I haven't seen you for two months. I thought you were dead or that you weren't coming back. Then I hear that you're back, not from you, but from Alarik! Do you know what that's like? You're my best friend and I thought I'd lost you. Were you just going to keep on running, leave me behind without even saying anything to me?

It was like she could feel the thought weighing on my mind, should I just go?

I felt guilty. She was right, I hadn't gone to see her. I cringed at her words though, everyone had thought me dead, or feared it. 

I didn't cringe because of their thought it seemed like something one might think when they hear of a kidnapping, I cringed because of how right, and yet how very wrong they were about it. 

As you can see, I'm very much alive, I spat at her. 

No you're not Al, you're really not.

What's that supposed to mean?

Look at yourself, listen to yourself. You're thinking of running away, I can see it all over you. Allison Cole would not run away from her mate, her friends, her pack. She wouldn't be looking at me like you are now, she wouldn't be spewing words with venom at her best friend. Allison Cole is dead, and she's left you in her place. Now you have to get over yourself and you need to start making the right decisions.

The right decisions? That's what had led me down the path I'd been on. That was the whole reason for all of this, the whole reason for the O'Brian malice. If I hadn't been trying to do what was right for the pack, if I would have just listened to what my mind had been saying the day I found out about Alarik, then all of this would have been avoided. 

Doing what's right for the pack is what got me here, Cassandra! What about what's right for me? What about what I need?

She advanced slightly, stepping closer to me. I took a step back in return. 

What's good for you and what's good for the pack are the same thing Allison! Cassie's voice had an edge to it now. She was in her no-nonsense mood. That guy back there is your mate. You know that you need him, now more than ever. You're linked together whether you like it or not anymore. He needs you and you need him. If you leave now it will do nothing but destroy everything. The balance is in your hands. Not only do you have this pack riding on you, but you have another one as well. Think of all the lives it could destroy if you walked away.

I hated it, because I knew she was right. I knew that I needed Alarik, but I didn't want to need him. I wanted to be only need to rely on myself. I wanted to be my own strength. What kind of person needs to rely on a man to make sure that she's okay? 

        But he needs you too, the voice in my head said. 

No, Alarik needed a strong Luna and I wasn't that. I'd been broken, irreparable. There was no way he needed something like that. 

        Ask him yourself. That same voice in my mind. But I couldn't ask him, that would be admitting what I was feeling inside. If he knew how weak I was he would walk away from me. 

So many people need you Allison, I need you, Jason needs you, Alarik and the packs need you. Just come back with me. 

I can't. They want me to see someone. 

You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Especially not now. Just come back and talk it out. 

I deliberated. The longer I was standing there though, the more pain I was feeling from the wound in my leg. I knew I needed to go in and see if there was anything they could do for it, if they could patch it back up or if I'd just have to wait it out. I knew I owed Alarik an explanation for running off, for having the standoff and telling him to leave. I knew there was so much I needed to talk about. 

I just hoped that I could keep some things to myself. I didn't want to talk about what happened, I didn't want to relive it all over again, I didn't want to admit my weakness. I didn't want to let people know just how much it had truly affected me. 

I nodded slightly and we made out way back toward the pack. When I got near where I'd left my clothes, I shifted back. I redressed and looked down at the ground. The shiny gold metal gleamed on the ground and I picked the ring up, turning it over in my hand. 

The image from earlier, with Alarik rubbing my hand and the ring flashed in my mind. 

I twirled it around on my index finger before pocketing it. I then turned and saw Cassie walking up. 

"I need to go to the doctor," I said slowly. 

She nodded and we made our way there to see what they could do for my leg. No doubt I'd get a lecture about not listening to doctor's orders, but I really just didn't care anymore. 

***************

More insight into Allison's head since she's been back. It seems to be a dark place to be at the moment. 

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