My First Year of Nursing

~11 months in: burnt out as fuck

I am incredibly burnt out from this job already and it hasn't even been a full consecutive year in my second job...I hate that when someone else doesn't do their job it's my job to fix it. I hate that I'm the first one to be yelled at about it simply because I'm there. I'm tired of being looked at as a number by my company. I hate that I don't get paid nearly enough for the amount and quality of work that I do. I hate that I come into work just to be yelled at sometimes...

I hate feeling so abused.

I'm already abused by various people in my life and then I go to work and I'm abused and beaten down even more. I feel suicidal the same way I felt in the beginning. It's weird that around my 6 month mark I really thought I was getting the hang of it...now, I can't wait to get out of this hellhole. 

My only issue is idk where to go from here. If I want to be a professor I'm going to need a lot more years of acute care (which I don't think my soul can handle). If I want to be a CRNA I'm going to need to switch to the ICU and do 2 more years of acute care.

At this point I just feel passionate about nothing: I don't want to do any of it. I feel suicidal thinking about work but I need to go for at least the next 5 months. I can't wait for the day I can say I don't mind going to work. Or at least to have a schedule that doesn't have me working on Christmas. 

I really don't know where to go from here. Should I go back to school? Move to outpatient? Switch fields entirely (engineering is still looking very promising here). Fuck the entire healthcare profession. I want no part of this shit show. 

I want to be respected, have a lunch break, not have knee pain for working 3 days in a row. I don't want to run around in circles only to be told I didn't do one minor thing. I just want to feel like a human and not a piece of garbage. And if you're reading this and ever thinking about going into nursing I'm here to say don't do it if you respect yourself. You have to disregard your own needs and be okay with people yelling at you and sacrificing your health for strangers in order to succeed in this job.

And that's why I'm burnt out. I'm 23--still young enough to make a complete change and still be okay. I'm clearly lost...idk what to do. 

Maybe nursing isn't for me. I felt this way in the beginning and people told me it would get better...i feel like for me it's about the same or maybe even worse.

Fuck this job so hard.

💜

Annie