Roses And Guns

The Plan.

Deception and perfection are wonderful traits. One will breed love, the other, hate.

-Marina and The Diamonds.

As my parents enter the room, I see something in their faces, something I haven't seen in years. Love.

Love is a tricky thing. People say that humans are capable of unconditional love. What does unconditional mean? The love a mother has towards their children? The love a childhood best friend has? Every kind of love is conditional on this planet. And that, I've learnt, is the best way to go because when you love someone unconditionally, other people use you. It's disturbing and not pleasant but, reality sucks. A mother can only love their children until they are completing an unspoken agenda. Be it being a perfect child, or excelling in academics or sports, or earning enough money, looking the perfect child. A best friend can only love their friend until they love them back too. They are exclusive to their friendship, the same goes for lovers. Unconditional love is a promise of a broken heart. I've learnt it the hard way, and the thing is, conditional love is good. It keeps us grounded, doesn't let us take love for granted. Some people would, and that is their undoing.

Right now, I see the love in my moms eyes. Its conditional, but it's honest. I wish I knew earlier that unconditional love just doesn't exist. But now, since I have got a second chance, I'm going to make the best of it. Know that love is conditional, and rather than sulking on it, I'm gonna complete the conditions. Not because I need validation, but because I owe it to my parents.

"Mom, dad. Im sorry, I'm so so sorry" I'm a crying sobbing mess when I see them.

"No need to sorry Bub, but promise you will be careful next time going down the stairs. Please dont be so clumsy."

"Yes mom, I'll take care."

"Lil tot, We will both go out complete the forms and paperwork, alright?" Dad said.

Lil tot, Nona used to call me that, she passed away earlier this year due to breast cancer. I miss her, she would have guided me.

"Yeah sure, please send in Aidan"

Mom gave me a smirk. She always wanted us to end up together. Ever since I was a baby, she and Aidans mom were best friends and made this pact that if they had kids and they were attracted to each other, they would marry. I told my mom that I think Aidan is cute, but I dont know what made her so insistent on making sure I give him a chance after his 13th birthday, something changed and I was always kept in the dark.

"Hey you, how's mi amore doing?" (My love)

I felt my cheeks going red from his endearment. He always called me either Bella, or mi amore or something cute in Italian or Irish.

Once when I was 7, I told him "I think Italian is a pretty language" and that my name was actually Italian, the next day, he started learning the language. When I asked him why he wanted to learn Italian, he said, 

"So that I can call you 'pretty' without anyone else knowing. It will be our thing, right?"

I was a fool letting him go. But I know that I have been given another chance for a reason and before loving him, I need to love myself. It's a long way to go, but I have all the time in the world.

"Nothing mo grá" (My love) I said in Irish. Aidan and I were trilingual. His mother was from NYC, my Nona was Italian. Our fathers were Irish, and he learnt Italian. Since I knew that he was learning Italian for me, I wanted to do something for him too. My 6 year old self started taking Irish lessons from my dad, comes in handy from time to time.

(Just to clarify, I think I did a poor job here, but basically, Aidan learnt Italian for Alessia, knows Irish from his father since he insisted that Aidan should know the language and English since he was born in NYC.

Alessia learnt Irish, since her father never really insisted on her learning the language, knows Italian from her Nona, and English since she was born in NYC.)

"Do you want to call Regina? She called me a couple minutes ago asking for you, I made an excuse in case you didn't want her to know"

Regina, my best friend who was his mistress for 9 years before he left me for her. I'll deal with her later. Yes I want to build myself up, but I also want to taste revenge. I need to create a plan.

"Oh umm, its fine, I'll call her later. Aidan, do you umm do you think I could, like,I think I like AI, at least I want to know more about it and I think I can do something in it, like do you think it would be a good idea for me to um like start something like something out of the box like uhh"

"Alessia?"

"No actually never mind, its a stupid thing, I should have never bothered you oh my god its so stupid, I'm like 15 I shouldn't even think about"

"Mi amor?"

"I know I know, I should focus on school first, oh actually my grades are awful right, I should try and bring them back up first and-"

"ALESSIA LOUISE CASIDY"

"Yes?" I said, eyes wide.

"What are you trying to say?" Aidan enunciating every word, with amusement in his eyes.

"Uhh I was wondering if you think I should start an AI company? I have been practicing and learning over the last couple of months and I have a few ideas"

"Alessia, thats- thats a wonderful idea. Whatever you do in your life, I will always support you. I think this is going to be a hit."

"Thank you buachaill álainn" I said smugly. (Pretty boy)

I could see Aidan blushing, but this was normal, we were used to flirting with each other, I think this is what encouraged our mothers. Some things dont even change in rebirths I guess.

I was 15 as of now, and I was about to die, penniless and hungry at 29. With no formal higher education or job. With no parents or extended family. But this time, I had a plan.

Graduating high school would not difficult since I was pretty smart, even in my last lifetime, but I chose to go after him and stopped taking my education seriously. Once I was in senior year, I was on the verge of failing but I didn't care. Regina encouraged my behaviour, my parents started to be disappointed in me. Despite being rich, they wanted me to make something out of myself, and oh boy did I make a fool out of myself alright.

Despite having awful grades, I knew I was smart, as soon as I got married to him, he started ignoring me. I had a shit ton of time. Then I met Allan, he was in his late 30's, a real brother to me. He did some tech work for him, and Allan taught me coding and suggested me to take up AI. Since I had a monthly allowance, I used a good amount of money and time gaining knowledge from the best of the best in the AI field. Though, due to my awful high school grades, no university would ever take me in. I never got formally educated. Once I was on the streets, it was hard. I did some things that I had to do for survival, though it didn't really matter because I died hungry and angsty.

I will never let that happen this time.

My plan was simple. Graduate high school with the best possible grades, get into a good university, while starting my AI company. Complete a formal degree, and focus entirely on the company. It was a rough, raw plan with many details left out, but those, I'll add as time goes on. All I can hope now for, is to get back home from this hospital.

"Aidan, I think I'm ready to leave for home. I feel much much better"

"If you say so Bella" Aidan said, while winking and walking out of the room.

"Its time." I said with a heavy sigh.