traded my life [TWD]

『62』

The only person that I told about the full extent to Rick's condition was Hershel. He was the only person who understood Rick and could be gentle enough not to cause Rick to spiral any further.

"Carl," I call as he walks by. he pauses by the door to the cell block. "Can you come here a second, bud?"

He taps his gun and sighs. Then, he turns around and looks at me. "What?"

"You know I love you, right?"

His eyes avoid mine and he shrugs. "You love Woojin more."

Ah. There it is.

I stand up from the table and put Woojin on my hip. I walk closer to Carl.

"Woojin is my son," I remind. "And as a mom, I have to take care of him."

I sit at the table in front of Carl, my back to the table as I face him.

"But, that doesn't mean that because he's here that I hate you," I remind. "You're still my family. Just a different family member."

I had to remind myself that Carl was still a kid.

He's grown up a lot since the fall, to the point it kind of gave me whiplash. But, he was still a kid. Still learning. Growing. Understanding the world around him.

Of course, as the youngest of the group, he would feel pushed aside when a new baby is here. It's how kids were. I recalled stories of Jiwoo hating my guts when I was born because she wasn't the center of attention anymore.

Carl wasn't to blame for the jealousy. It was just a kid thing. And he didn't have anyone to learn from since Lori was gone and Rick was out.

"You're my best friend," I tell him. "We've been through a whole lot together. Nobody is gonna change that or come between that."

"It's just.. Ever since Woojin was born, you don't hang out with me like you used to. Now.. mom died having the new baby. And you still weren't there. Not like when dad got shot."

"Growing up sucks, Carl," I inform. "That's what we're both doing."

"You're already grown up," he reminds.

"I'm an adult, but I still had to mature. Being an adult is different than growing up and being a mom," I explain carefully. "To be a good mom to Woojin, I had to do some more growing up."

He sighs and looks around the room. "I don't understand all these changes. I feel like everything is wrong."

"It's not the best right now. And that's okay. Nothing can ever stay the same. We wouldn't be good people if we didn't change."

"You've always been the same until Woojin was born."

The words remind me of Q.

How Q said I hadn't changed at all. Carl said I hadn't changed at all. But, they both knew different sides of me. 

"I have changed," I defend. "You just don't see it when a person is changing inside."

"Inside?"

"The heart. The mind," I explain. "A person can change over and over in there and you wouldn't be able to see it until they show it."

"How do they show it?"

"Well, for me, I showed Shane that I was changing my ways. I showed your dad that he could trust me with you on that field trip. I showed your mom that I was better when I helped you and Jacqui. I showed Woojin that I can be a good mom when I prioritize him."

Carl nods slowly and his eyes finally meet mine.

"Have I showed it?"

"You showed me that you're growing up because you wanted to protect the group," I offer. "And you showed your parents that you can take care of yourself when you took gun training seriously."

Carl takes a deep breath. It felt nice to talk to him like this. I missed hearing all his questions. I hated that he must've felt pushed aside because I was too busy to answer those questions.

"But, you know what doesn't change?" I ask.

"What?"

"The love that people have for each other. And you're one of the most important people in the world to me- you always have been. I love you, Carl. And I'll do anything for you, you just have to talk to me. You don't have to shut me out and hide away, okay?"

"Okay," he agrees.

I smile softly and reach my free hand out to him. He takes it and smiles a tiny bit.

"I'm always here for you," I promise. "Always."

Carl squeezes my hand and lets go, moving in to give me a hug. I felt peace of mind when he did so and I hug him back tightly.

𝒶𝓊𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓇 𝓇𝒶𝓂𝒷𝓁𝑒𝓈--

hey guys (gn) its me

this what i give you with my books ( minus the "perfect" part):