vent writing

7(please read description)

I wish he looked at me the same way I do. I just want to melt away. Dissappear, knowing he loves me back. What did I do wrong. Can I even change for u? Is this all even real? Ur just stuck in my head. I'm drowning for u. The difference between real and fake is all a blur. I don't even know if I'm real. I don't feel real. I feel made up. Fake. I don't feel like a human or a being anymore. I don't look like one either. I want ur feelings to reciprocate mine. Love me already so I can feel real. Please. I'm begging. I want to feel human. I want to feel human. I want to feel real. I want to live. I feel empty. Hollow. Like there's nothing inside, no organs, no blood. Just empty space. I feel like my organs are rotting away. Dissappearing. I don't feel like a human. I'm too ugly to be a human but to humane to be even classed as an animal. I'm stuck here. I don't fit in anywhere. I never did to begin with. why can't I just be normal? Why won't he look at me the same? The same as he does, other pretty girls. Am I not good enough? Am I not normal enough for u? R U scared of me? I love u so much. I'll carve ur name into my thigh. On my body. Anywhere u want. I'll do it because I love u. I love u ■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■. I hate that I have to admit it. But I do. I love u. I want to hold u in my arms and protect u from everything. U will be mine and only mine. Forever. U will make me feel real again. U will make me feel human again. I love u for that. Ur the reason I'm alive. I don't know how I can love another human so much more than myself. I would die for u. But who would die for me? Why? Why am I this way? Why do I not feel real? When I open my eyes in the morning, everything is blurred. I'm not blind. In the morning, it doesn't feel real. Like I'm deteriorating away. Like I'm fading. My end is near. I'll leave this world soon. I wasn't even supposed to be alive on my 14th birthday. I was supposed to be dead if the first attempt worked 2 years ago. So I'll be gone soon. I just want to die knowing u loved me back. That u cared. The same way I do for u. When I do finally kill myself, I want u to tell me u love me. I'll finally be able to let go. And die. Knowing u loved me. I want u to stop me. To stop me from killing myself. Then I'll truly understand that u cared. That u loved me. That u will love me forever. We will be together. Together and unchanging. Forevermore. Don't let me die ■■■■■■. Please. Don't let me die. I can't take it anymore. It feels so right in every way to kill myself. I'll do it. If it makes u happy. If it means u won't have to be sad again. If it means u will be happy. I'll do it. I'll die. For u. Because I love u.