38 | new year's day

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"I set my eyes on you and my soul was drawn

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"I set my eyes on you and my soul was drawn. I didn't know it then. But just as I had you I knew I had to leave you. I knew what my life was and I didn't want that for you. So I left you on that bus without a trace. It broke my heart and somehow since then there was always a part of me that was missing; until I saw you again. The rest that followed was a landslide of events I couldn't stop — I couldn't control." He paused and I could feel tears welling in my eyes. "But out of all that, all I can remember is how beautiful you looked. Though there was sadness in your eyes you made them shine like diamonds of hope anyway. I remember the way you shivered like a leaf on a fine summer day at how cold it was. From all those little things, I knew my whole being is eternally bound to you. So I risked it."

His confessions felt like warm blankets over my barbed wires. They beheld me in such strong standards and I just stayed there. Frozen in time.

"But I was right. This...this life? It's hell for you and I see it now." He tells me, his eyes now shining, the candle lights reflecting his tear-glazed eyes. "You could be somewhere right now, maybe even in your bed comfortably. Instead you're here with a gash on your head and a sore neck."

"Look, Daniel," I placed both my hands on his face and pulled him in, making sure that he hears every single word I'm about to say. "I love you. And I don't care if the world burns down with us or we burn it down. All I care about is you and me in this — together. That's all that matters."

"That's the problem darling," he sighed but didn't pull away. "I can't have you burning with me when this all comes crashing down. And it will, over and over."

I've never known a man who cares about me so much like this. Someone who loves me without all the third degree and hidden agendas. Someone who loves me in all my purest and darkest. I am in no way perfect and so is he so the lengths that he goes to to keep me safe is endearing — but that's not his choice.

"You can't just have us both say I love you for the first time just to tear it apart," I joked, making him chuckle in relief. "Daniel, loving someone is about accepting that another person is willing to take on the world with you. And I would do it for you if it's the last thing I do."

"What we have is the fantasy of those who can't have it, and everyone else would want it. That means —"

"That means we deal with it. It's not our responsibility to give them happiness." I wiped the single tear that fell from his eyes and watched as he finally smiled. With his smiles, I see the same man that sat there with me on the beach telling me I'm his perfect. Back when the world had nothing to do with our indiscretions. Back when I knew nothing about the entrails of his life. It was so simple back then. Without everything else, life only seemed to be as simple as falling in love. Just two people meeting unexpectedly and falling in love like teenagers.

It's hard to look at it and not miss it but like he said, it was a fantasy. Right here and right now is our reality. The reality where his life is surrounded by enigmas, power and money and mine with family feuds, exes and complicated past. Our reality is as far from perfect as it can be and yet we're here. Sure, back then it was easier but I love him. No matter how hard this part is, how incredibly tedious and ridiculous it gets, I plan on staying.

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