Dispatches from a Teenage Girl

Chapter 27

I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling. I know I deserve this. I have been lying for a long time. But last night was so perfect. I felt carefree. I didn't feel like the messed-up girl whose dad died. I didn't feel like a high school girl trying to fit in. I just felt normal and I just had fun.

Until the end. When the reality that I am still in high school kind of punched me in the face.

And then, to be grounded. To be outed by Claire's mom. Ugh. How embarrassing. I bury my head in my pillow. Still a little high school girl.

I look over at my phone. It's definitely too early to have anything from Sam on there, they were planning to party til sunrise. With me, actually. Sigh.

But there is one unread text on there. The editor.

Hope you had a good night. Looking forward to reading about it.

Shoot. I forgot about my "assignment". I mean can I really write about a party that not a single person from our school was at besides me? I feel like the party that will define high school and one you'll remember forever should be with people FROM high school.

But, that feeling on the dancefloor (makeshift dancefloor) was something. It meant something. Maybe I could write about that. God knows I have the time.

I roll out of bed and switch on my computer.

The carefree feeling

I don't remember when I felt it last. Do you? When have you felt fully relaxed? When have your shoulders felt light and your jaw unclenched?

For me, I don't remember. School pressure. College application pressure. Money pressure. Friend drama. Boy drama. Family drama. There is always something.

But when there is that moment. That brief moment when all that stress disappears. When you look around and realize that you're not worried about anything in that very moment. When you realize that for once, you are carefree. I want to stay there and like that forever.

I felt that on New Year's Eve.

I realize we are sheltered, that we haven't experienced the real world yet.

But senior year is hard. It is a lot. A LOT. And I am struggling.

So to be able to forget it all, let my hair down, get wild, was incredible.

"What colleges did you apply to?"

Who cares?

"Have you studied for the biology exam?"

Who cares?

"Did you hear that she slept with him after he broke up with her best friend?"

Who. Honestly. Cares.

You know that feeling. I know you do. It's freeing. It's impossible to create. It just happens spontaneously.

Free to be me. Free to not worry. Free to actually feel nothing.

And while I am not sure feeling nothing is the great antidote to this difficult year. I am not sure it's something that would be recommended. Perhaps some might say it's not a good thing. But to feel it after feeling SO MUCH felt amazing.

So Happy New Year friends! I hope you all had a great night welcoming in 2003.

I copy the text into an email and send it off to the editor.

Happy 2003! Here you go. New Year. New Me. Haha. Jkjk. I'll be full of feeling again for the next one.

And send.

I sit back in my bed. Now what? Just more time to think about my shitty situation.

Claire and Grace must know by now. They must know I've been lying. Hiding things. That my mom knows I am a liar. That we aren't friends anymore. And that I am in trouble.

I wonder if they'll call. I wonder if we'll ever be friends again.

I miss them.

Buzz.

I grab my phone. It couldn't be.

I love it.

The editor texts.

But New Year, new you? I like the old you.

I reply. Don't worry. I'm still mad at the world.

***

I wake up the next morning, still at home, still in high school, still grounded. And still no messages from Grace or Claire, or Sam for that matter.

I walk downstairs and my mom is in the kitchen. I can't make eye contact with her. I haven't decided. Am I mad? Am I embarrassed? Is she mad? Is she disappointed? I am not ready to know.

I grab a bagel and head back to my room and start doing... homework?

I feel it's the only thing I have right now to make it up to my mom. To show her that I am working and trying. And, if I am really trying to be a grown up, good grades will help me to get into college. Which will get me the hell out of here. Since I am stuck here, right exactly here, at least for the rest of January.