Dispatches from a Teenage Girl

Chapter 38

I wake up the next morning feeling like I have examined every inch of my decision from every single angle. And I almost feel good about it. I guess I'll really know if I feel good about it after I talk it through with my mom and she lets me know if I am being ridiculous or not.

I walk downstairs.

"Whoa Lucy, pretty early for a Saturday," she smiles as she pours me a coffee.

"I need to talk to you."

The look of shock and fear on my mother's face is pretty amazing. I think she's worried she might be about to hear she's going to be a grandmother or something. I sit down very slowly and decide to let her hold that feeling for a little bit longer. I mean, I am allowed to have a little fun, right?

I take a big sip of coffee. Put my mug down slowly and look up.

"It's about what I want to do next year."

"Oh, thank god," my mom says as she lets out a huge breath. "What's up?"

"You know I got in everywhere, Gebeller, San Sebastian, Galetown."

"Yes, yes, I know dear. I am so so proud of you."

I smile. "Thank you. The thing is, there are pros and cons for every choice. But, I made some lists, pros and cons, and thought all night, and I think I made a decision."

She looks at me, waiting on my every word and appearing a bit annoyed about this dramatic pause that I am taking.

"I decided to go no where."

Her smile drops.

"No, no, it's not like that. I mean I am going to defer. I am going to take a year to deal with this year. I need a year, mom. I need some time."

She nods. And a tiny smile seems to maybe be coming back on her face, at least in her eyes. I can see it's there.

"The plan is to accept at San Sebastian, defer, take a year and start there next September," I say with as much confidence as I can muster. "That way I can move to a new city but not be too far. I can still come for dinner sometimes, quick visits here and there. But also have a new place to explore and new people to meet."

She nods again. "Are you sure?"

I pause. "Of course I'm not sure. Who is ever sure? How can I possibly know what I want to do for the rest of my life? But I think this is what I want to do. I am going to sit on it a few days and see how it feels. Then talk to Ms. Rivoli and then make it happen, I think."

She looks down at her coffee, looks up at me, takes a deep breath and says, "I am good with that."

And that's it. She grabs her coffee and heads to the dining room table and starts reading the paper.

Well that's it then. I've done it. I have survived this year and I have a plan and my mom is good with it and we are happy and I am happy.

I grab my phone and text.

Do you have a minute to talk?

Not two seconds later.

I am coming over.

And 15 minutes after that, Michael is at my door.

That was quick.

"Um, where are you coming from? It's like really early on a Saturday."

He looks at me confused, "I spend every Saturday morning at the food bank, you know that. My shift just ended and I was on my way home. What's up?"

Honestly, he is too good to be true.

"It's about school. I think I've made up my mind and I wanted to talk it over with you, get your opinion."

I know I haven't really known Michael that long, but I really respect his opinion. He's smart and driven, and also compassionate and empathetic. And also going to San Sebastian.

"Yes, please tell me. I am really excited to know."

I smile.

"But before you say anything, I wanted to talk to you about something and I need to talk about it before you say anything, so it's unrelated to whatever you say."

I nod.

He takes a deep breath. So many deep breaths today!

"I really like you."

"I like you too," I reply.

"Ok, that's good," he laughs. "Good to have that out of the way because I know it's the end of the year and I don't know what next year will bring. But I was hoping, until then, you'd like to be my girlfriend?"

I grab his face and kiss him. I can feel some tears but I refuse to let them roll down my face. But they are there.

"So that's a yes?" he asks.

"Yes, yes, I would like to be your girlfriend," I pause. "God, this is so cheesy. What is this?" And I laugh. He laughs too.

"I know! Haha, I just didn't know how to start the talk so I just girlfriend-posaled you."

"I'm into it," I say and kiss him again. We pull apart and he looks at me.

"Now your turn."

And now I take a deep breath.

"I am sitting on this decision for a few days, to make sure it feels right. But I think it does. So far it does. And it does with my mom too. We feel good about it. But I came to this decision myself."

He is looking at me, begging me to spit it out.

"I am going to defer. I am going to take a year. Just a year to figure it all out."

He looks at me and smiles. "That is an incredible idea."

I blush. What a perfect answer.

"And then I am going to go to San Sebastian."

"Even better!" he screams.

My mom opens the door and sees us hugging on the porch.

"Hi Michael," she says with a smile. "Would you like to come in for breakfast?"

He nods and we all head inside.

This is really nice, is all I can keep thinking to myself.

***

Once Michael heads home and I am back alone in my room, I turn my computer on and start typing. A rant. Maybe my last one.

As I am writing, I pause to text Michael.

I am writing the last one.

He replies.

Oh ya? Crazy! Better be a good one ;)

I think it is. I am not sure but it might be the most personal, the one that really dives deep into what I've been through this year and what we all go through as seniors and what we are all doing next.

I finish it much quicker than I expected to, the words just flying out of me. And at the very end, I decide to add one last paragraph. One final note in my final rant, revealing myself to everyone.

I take a deep breath. We haven't even rogue published it yet and I am already feeling sick about it. But I've thought about it a lot and I know it's what I need to do. I need to close this chapter. And I want to be open and honest with my writing, I certainly will need to be in college.

I send the rant in an email to Michael and wait to hear back. Not five minutes later.

So you're going to out yourself? You're sure?

I am. I write back immediately.

If you are sure you are good with people knowing your truth, then I have an idea. Hold tight, I will get back to you.

How cryptic. How confusing. And even more so when I don't hear another word from Michael for the rest of the day.