Save You Tonight

41.

Ah! I can't stop looking at these! He needs to take his hat off! I'm enjoying actually seeing his neck for e first time in awhile, unless he has his hair up of course, haha anywho, enjoy!

~August 4, 2016~

Insecurities, feelings of anxiety and uncertainty about ones self. The lack of confidence. The vulnerability. The feeling as if you're not good enough, that you will never be good enough. It eats away at you, crumbling your sanity as it tears away at your self worth, making you feel small and unimportant. It's the worst feeling in the world, to feel as if you aren't good enough for someone, or feeling inadequate. I hate feeling like this, I hate that I hate myself. I hate that every time I look in the mirror I don't like what I see.

Harry and I laid in bed all day yesterday, talking about our relationship and about ourselves. It was incredibly hard for me, but I tried explaining to Harry exactly how I felt, how insecure I felt. He reassured me to no end that I had nothing to be insecure about, that he loved me and that he thought I was perfect and beautiful and wouldn't change anything about me. He may think that of me, but it still doesn't change the fact that I don't, that I still see myself as ugly and not perfect. If I stood next to Kendall, there is no doubt that she would be the better choice. She would look better standing next to Harry, that's for sure.

I promised Harry that I would try and not compare myself to her, or to anyone, which will be quite the challenge but I'm going to try. I have to believe he's happy with me and that he truly does loves me.

He loves me. God, I will never get use to that. I was taken by surprise when he told me that he loved me. I felt like I was to broken to be loved, that I wasn't good enough to be loved. I sure felt it though, loved. I felt it with how gently Harry held me, how he brushed away my tears, how he looked at me, how he always seemed to smile when he looks at me. He may love me, but it still comes as a shock to me.

"What are you thinking about?" Harry asks, his voice deep, as it always is in the morning. I look up, resting my chin on his bare chest, snuggling into his side more.

"Just about yesterday," I tell him, watching him frown slightly.

"I will make sure you know how beautiful you are everyday until you believe it," Harry tells me with conviction. I don't say anything, I just look into is eyes and see how serious he is and I hope that one day I will believe him. "Hey, let's have a good day today, alright? It will be fun."

We agreed to spend the evening with Louis and his girlfriend, Danielle, Niall and Liam. Liam's new girlfriend couldn't make it, which Harry said was probably  because she didn't want to hang out with a bunch of twenty something year olds. The plan was to go to the Santa Monica pier and do some rides and get something to eat there. After that we were going to go to some big night club that they guys go to quite a bit. I was a little nervous about going out, it was the first time Harry and I were going out, out, like this, where we couldn't really hide from sneaky fans and paparazzi. Harry told me we will be fine, that people are too drunk to realize they are there or if someone does they don't normally come up and bug them. I promised that I would try and I wasn't going to let my fear of being accepted ruin this.

"Alright," I promise, smiling up at Harry. He kissed my forehead and hugged me closer to him. I could see how much it worried him, the way I felt about myself. I'm sure he was use to being with someone who was so sure of themselves and had self confidence. I so desperately wanted to get that girl back. I was so angry at myself for letting one single picture bring me back to square one, bringing me right back to where I was when I was with Kaleb. If I could get my confidence back once with Harry's help, I could do it again. Tonight will be the day I will start again.