unexpected {bs}

Chapter 47

I never thought this would ever be the way it ended. I thought maybe it would be peaceful and maybe less...painful. Of course I knew, I wasn't going to pain-free. It turns out I was awfully wrong but the fact that the pain is worse than I could of ever imagined, this is the worst part of dying I guess. it's not only knowing that in less that two weeks you will die, but also knowing that this is only the beginning of the pain and also worse is yet to come.

Rather than being home now, I'm in ward 8, room 3 of London's kids hospital. it's not only depressing being here, but it's also boring and it's just something about it that makes me feel uneasy. it's just the constant beeps from monitors and children cries that makes it almost unbearable to be here.

I now, also have no freedom at all because 24 hours a day, I'm trapped to an oxygen tank which I have to drag around everywhere. I get these two little tubes that go up my nose and it gets air into my body and basically does what the heart can no longer do. it's quite annoying as it tickles and itches.

'Apparently' you get used to it, seeing as I've only been here two nights, the nurses say It should become less irritating. That's not the only that keeps me away from my freedom, it's also Nurses and doctors. they won't let me outside on my own unless brad, my mum or any others are there with me.

It's just not the same anymore. it's like I've already Lost my life or lost all hope to live. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life doing nothing, but I have to. I do understand sometimes because the pain can sometimes become to much but even when I'm feeling a little better I have to stay in bed.

I did do most of the things on my bucket list, that I wanted to do. I went zorbing with Brad and the others a week ago. I went to Thorpe park. And I did lots of other things too. I wanted to be independent and I didn't want to stop. it doesn't feel like only a week ago I was aloud to do anything. I could be with brad all the time. I could be free, just like a bird who just learned to fly

But now. now I feel like I've been locked up in a cage. I can no longer fly and I'm trapped and can't get out. I am no longer a part of the outside world but now lost forever in a small building for the rest of my life.

I try to make the most of this boring atmosphere and I try to find ways to entertain myself, such as reading, walking round the ward, sleeping and eating Ice-cream.

Ice-creams always the best bit.

I've actually started reading a book that has kind of taken over my life. it explores the life of one girl, my age. who is going through almost the same experience to me. The girl, named hazel has been through a lot in her life. She has leukaemia and has had it for a long time. Her parents take her to a support group, which she hates but meets a boy there one day. His name being Augustus. it's a really beautiful book and It really gives me the understanding of pain.

That book gives me life and power to keep going. The fault in are stars is one of the best books I've ever read.

My favourite quote that I think most people would be able to relate to has to be 'that's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt'

"Abbie, hello sorry to disturb your thoughts but Brad is here to see you" one of my nurses, autumn, calmly said peeking her head just round my door.

I'm glad I have my own room.

"Hey. it's fine you didn't disturb my thoughts at all, actually." Autumn nodded, opened the door slightly and gestured for brad to come in. He hasn't been here yet without my mum or any other people with him. it's nice for us to finally be alone.

"Hey" I smiled.

"Hey." he awkwardly replied obviously not really knowing what to say. He slowly crept over to my bed and gently pecked me on the lips.