Two Hearts & One Life

Chapter 21

Right now, I’m not in a good position. I keep looking at Ian who waiting an answer from me.

Why do I get mad at him?

Ian raised his eyebrow. Ok, I think I need to talk to him and finish all of this shit at once.

“We need to talk.” I say this time and Ian nods his head.

He took a place in front of me and I standing up in front of him, leaning back on kitchen counter.

“What do you want to talk about ?” he asked me.

Oh God, how do I start this conversation ?

I took a really deep breath.

“Last night, when you are drunk…you talked about something.” I told him.

Ian now taking a deep breath, “You need to tell me what I’m talking about.” He said to me and I nodded my head.

“Fine. You told me how hard you were looking out for me for all those four years. You tried to find one reason to hate me because I left you but you ended up only find so many reasons for you to hate your own self more..You wish that you could found me sooner, so you could meet Bèlle.” I told him.

Ian now looking at me, “All of it is true. I do always end up by hating my own self. I go to psychiatrist to talk about my commitment issues and I spent almost one year to fix that and Irène, trust me, I could see why you need more from our relationship. I understand that but when I finally understand it that’s the time when I realize that I already lost you…..for good.”

I can’t believe how hard all of this for him. I don’t know that Ian going to psychiatrist only to fix his commitment issues, it must be me who help him to see and fix his self but what did I do ?

I left him and hide away. I can’t hold my tears and Ian now looking at me.

“I never want our relationship ended like this. It never be my intention to make you thinking that you are not worth it for a marriage life, I never want to be that guy four years ago and you left me, that’s enough to be a wakeup call for me. My mom probably hating me that time.” Ian said to me and laughing softly.

I put my hands on top of his, “I’m so sorry for what I did.” I told him. Ian only smiles at me and he shook his head.

“I need you to know that I’m trying here until I thought that maybe I’ll never met you again and living my life with my guilty.”

“No, no, no…I should be the one who beside you and help you. I should have more faith in us and helping you and patient enough to change your mind but I’m too selfish and I left you and hide Belle. Oh God, I’m such a worst partner for you!” I told him and cried hard enough to make me out of my breath.

Ian now standing beside me and wrap his hands around me, pulls me into hug. “No, I understand why you done that. I know you already gave up a lot of things and I think we need that for our self to figure it out again, so we could do much better.” He whispers on my ear.

“I took your chance to be a father for Bèlle! Bèlle will hate me because I left you and separate her from her father and make her father suffering alone…”

“Irène, listen to me…” Ian now shaking me.

I looked at him, “Now, that we already know what happen four years ago, we should start to think what we gonna do next, okay ? We are fine now, we passed all those worst day. I’m the best of me and you are the best woman that I ever known, you are the best mother, you taking care of our daughter for four years. There is nothing that we should regret about. We are capable to passed all those worst day, please remember that.”

I look at him and Ian kissed my cheeks. “You are a strong woman, even a strong woman has their low time but still manage to stay strong and come back.”

“Ian, it’s never about me..It’s you..”

“I’m a very good version of Ian. This Ian has nothing to be afraid of. Commitment ? Hell, I will face it. Don’t blame yourself because you left me four years ago, it is because of you I could be the best version of me as a man.”

I looked at Ian’s eyes and he looks so calm. He is change, he is a better man now. I can’t help but cry again and Ian hugging me back, whispering a sweet words to me and tighten his arms around me.

“It’s not your fault.”

“It is Ian..”

“Well, fine…It is our fault, Irène.”

Now she look back at me, “Yeah, I have my fault too. My commitment issues is one of my fault, my cowardice is my another fault, my stubbornness is another fault..” Ian makes his list and smile at me when he talks about it. I can’t help but laugh at him.

“Now, you make your own list, but don’t you dare say that you are a bad mother for Belle or a bad partner for me, because the truth is you are not, you are a miracle for us.”

“Well, I left you when I should know that you need me to help you dealing with your commitment issues, I lost my faith in you when I shouldn’t lost it after all those years, I’m selfish for leaving you and hide myself, I hide Bèlle from you when the truth is I clearly know that she will need her father from the first time she opened her eyes.”

Ian now nodding his head, “Great! Now that we made our list, the next thing we should do is what we gonna do next ?” he asked me.

He takes me to family room and we both sit on the sofa, I feel more calm now.

“Bèlle is the important thing.” I said to him. Ian nodded his head, agreeing with me.

“What do you want ? I want to be part of Bèlle’s life, that’s for sure.” Ian told me.

“I will make sure of it. When we get back home, we take the result, and I want you to meet her on Saturday. We could have family lunch with my parent then from there we will make sure that Bèlle comfortable first with her new situation. I will give you and her more time, after that maybe we could introduce her to your family.” I arrange everything and told Ian about it.

“I agree with all of your plans, but there is one thing I want you to think about.” He said to me. I raised my eyebrow at him.

“Give us another chance.”