Today is exceptionally a different day.
My mind's been trying to deny that our love was there; something I believe you successfully did after a while, and it pains me that I feel like this. It feels like I was the only one holding the line since the very beginning, and it hurts quite a lot.
I don't want to diminish what we had and what I felt just because you left.
It feels like I am trying to cope with losing you and this is one of the many methods I don't really want to apply in my life, ever.
I want to tell myself that it's okay. We did our best, and even if it'd heal me if I convince myself that you didn't. I want to heal, but at the same time, I wouldn't want to feel like it was just purely meaningless love.
Because if I do fall into that thought pattern, I'd feel a continuous despair. I'd feel like love never mattered, and that the only way forward is to focus on surviving and not living my life to the fullest.
I don't want that, ever. I don't wanna deny that we had something. We loved each other. You did your best. But I was too stupid to ever realize that and I will always remind myself to never be so weak anymore.
I'll improve for myself, and I'll improve because you believed in me, even for a little while.
But the problem persists that if I don't do it, I'll never heal. I will always love you and that's painful. Because you'll never love me back. Because I never mattered to you like you mattered to me. You're my whole universe, and I am just a small star in your eyes; unreachable, forgotten.
Auntie asked me to compartmentalize. What's done is done. It will fade by itself, but it won't bother me as much in the future.
I just might agree.
