MishBir: Someone You Love(d)

21|| Her Heartache

Trigger warning - vivid descriptions of nightmares /anxiety /panic attacks and more than once detailed mention of self harm. Please do not read it if any of this triggers you ❤️

Mishti smiled into Abir's chest, feeling his hand slightly rub over her arm, up and down in a comforting manner. She tilt her head and looked up, only to realise his gaze was already fixed at her. She smiled when their eyes met, but his lips only slightly curved up.

"How did the nightmares return?", Abir's voice turned heavy as he finally questioned her, and felt her go stiff in his arms. He sighed, before using his left hand to tilt her jaw upwards, making her face him.

"Mishti", Abir spoke very softly, like he was taking to a child instead, "You aren't going to protect me by hiding the details. I am not in denial. I know whatever happened with you, however it happened - I triggered it. My words triggered it. My actions triggered it. I know, and I am taking full responsibility of my actions, and the pain they caused you. I need to know the extent of devastation I caused, and you can't help me by hiding it from me, hmm?", Abir explained and then watched her eyes fill up that very instant, making hik feel more guilty. She immediately lowered her gaze and kept her head against his chest - aware of how fast it was beating.

"I think out of everything that happened that day, at this very place, the two things I didn't expect were for you to look me in the eye and deny our love, and -", Mishti paused not knowing how to frame the remainder of the sentence, but Abir finished it for her.

"And me to snatch that locket so violently - hurting you physically. I know", Abir's voice slightly broke but he managed to keep it at bay as Mishti nodded, still not meeting his eyes.

"I think that brought back the memories. My birth father had hurt my birth mother physically too. That was when their relationship began to fall for worse. And I spent my life trying not to be anything like them and yet that happened to me too - I couldn't process it. That was my first nightmare, three days after I reached London - of my father slapping my mother and somewhere in between their faces faded away and it was us. I woke up screaming", Mishti remembered that night like it was yesterday, and it still made her heart go wild in fear. Abir's hold tightened around her as he kissed the top of her head, her hair soaking in his tears, feeling like someone has sliced him open instead.

"For a few days, I dreamt that on loop. Every night Nannu would wake me up and calm me down for an hour atleast before I could manage to close my eyes. We thought it would go away in a while, but the opposite happened. I started having multiple nightmares in one night", Mishti spoke, her voice grave.

"It began with the memory of you pushing me away, calling me 'parayi' and unworthy of your trust. Then there would be that fleeting conversation I had overheard - between Dadi and badi Maa, the former requesting the latter to take me away, “hum use yaha aur nhi rakh sakte” would be the words that haunted me. And of course my mom ghosting on me, randomly without a word. And those accusations on my father all through my childhood. Everything would intermingle. But one thing would be common - the feeling it gave me. I felt like trash, unwanted and dirty. No body seemed to want me. Nobody seemed to see anything worth it in me", Mishti's voice began to break as she continued, and even though it tore Abir's heart apart, he didn't stop her, didn't interrupt her or made her aware of himself. He let her go on, so that she could ramble it all out.

"It was a downward spiral after that. I began having panic attacks - I have a history of them as a child too, and like all those years ago, I would spend hours under the shower to clean myself, wanting to feel good about myself. I couldn't understand why would everyone leave me, what was I doing so wrong that they threw me out in an instant. Why would you throw me out like that when you had told me to be stubborn and demand my love from you instead? There were only questions, no answers. And that sinking feeling of impending doom around me every waking moment was horrible. I hated you for doing that to me and I missed you in those darkest moments, wishing you could hold me tight. I couldn't unlove you Abir, I couldn't forget you despite what you did to me. Why did you do it? Why couldn't you talk to me? Why couldn't you tell me about your mother's condition? Why couldn't you do anything else apart from what you did? Why did you break my heard so bad?", Sometime in between Mishti had shifted and sat on her knees and was now asking him what she had always wanted to ask, with tears freely rolling down her eyes and holding his collors tightly in her fists as she pushed him away and pulled him closer together.