Love, Cancer & Me ✓ [Original]

Chapter Nineteen

Dear Diary

November 3, 2012

I woke up feeling emptiness, nothing but emptiness, everything that happened was coming back to me. Matt could be gone, he could be dead. I let out a small sob, my brother could be dead. "Darcy." Then I heard his voice, Nathan's voice, I almost forgot he was here with me. His hand touched my arm and I shivered. "Are you alright?"

"No." My voice didn't sound pained, or sad, it sounded emotionless but inside I felt broken, like there was no fixing me. "Did Tristan call?" It didn't even sound like I was asking a question. I guess having no emotions was stopping me from feeling hurt, hopeless and sad.

"No. Look at me..." I just turned around and held onto him. "You can talk to me Darcy, come on. Give into me, open up to me." He tilted my chin up and wiped away the few tears that had escaped.

"Just hold me, be with me, love me." Slowly his lips came down on mine. "I love you Nathan Flynn." We stayed there for what seemed like hours just waiting for Tristan's call, and it seemed like it would never come.

"Family is allowed in to see him now, your Mom's there with him now, but Darc, Tristan told me to tell you that he is on life support and even though the sedative has worn off he might not wake up." His hand rubbed my back. "Just don't get your hopes up ok, it might be a while before he wakes up." I sighed.

"I'm going to go take a shower, before we go." I got off him and went into the bathroom closing the door behind me. I turned on the water after stripping down and stepped in letting the warmth sooth my aching bones. I looked down at myself, hating how skinny I was, hating how I could count every rib. Part of me wished I was dead rather then sick but dead meant leaving and leaving meant breaking my promise to Matt, and to Nathan.

Matt, it hurt so much just thinking about him. It hurt to think that I might never get to hear his voice again, or play Call of Duty with him again or tell him I love him again. It hurts so much that it feels like a punch to the gut. I start crying so hard, I can't breath, so hard, it's hard to think. I turned off the shower, and grabbed a towel off the wrack still shaking.

"Darcy?" I heard Nathan call out and just hearing his voice made me start to cry. Anything that would make me start to feel again would make me hurt inside. "Can I come in?" He asked while knocking and I let out a small yes. The door burst open and after he saw he, he hugged me. "It's going to be ok Darc... I promise... He will wake up." I put back on my pyjamas and then held his hand, feeling this hole again.

I threw myself at him, hoping he could make me feel something other then hurt and he did, I felt sparks shoot through my body. Nathan deepened the kiss, and pushed me up against the wall. I jumped up putting my legs around his waist. His hands moved over me, like he was trying to consume every piece of me. Then they slipped up the back of my shirt and inched closer and closer to the snap of my bra. "We need to stop."

"Ya." He put me down on the ground and I looked at the floor. "We should go." I said pointing to the front door and Nathan nodded. I put my hands in my sleeves and in the car I pulled my knees to my chest.

Nathan didn't say anything on the drive and maybe it was just because he was just focusing on the road. Although he was holding onto the steering wheel so tightly it seemed like he had something on his mind. Something he wasn't going to share, so I didn't ask. He pulled into the parking lot and I started to walk faster. I saw Tristan still in the waiting and I hugged him when I saw him. "Can I go see him?"

"Ya, it's room 235. D... Your Mom's still in there." I looked back at Nathan and he nodded. I took off down the hallway and found Matt's room. Mom was sitting there holding his hand. His eye was swollen shut and his leg was raised in a cast. I felt my lip start to quiver and I started to cry.