alright ↠ dylan o'brien

eighteen.

End of my ways as a walking denial

My trial was filed as a crazy suicidal head case

But you specialize in dying, you hear me screaming "father"

And I'm lying here just crying, so wash me with your water

-Addict With a Pen by twenty øne piløts

Lola

"I guess I just have no one to talk to. Ray's been getting worse every day. He came home with another girl a few nights ago who looked like she might as well be a Sophomore in highschool. I stayed upstairs while they had  sex on the couch downstairs. It was unbearable.

    And then last night, he came home with a bunch of his friends. The alcoholics and drug-addicts. They wanted me to stay with them. I had to take Kameron down to the basement and hide him while I stayed upstairs with Ray's friends. He let them talk dirty to me and touch me. Later, when Ray was drunk out of his mind, he beat me for letting them touch me and not telling them to stop. As if I was the one cheating on him.

    My baby should be due any day now. I think I'm gonna name her Luna."

    I put the journal down instantly, trying to take in what I'd just read. I didn't know

Ray had been that bad with Mom so early on. I didn't notice it until I was twelve.

Who is Kameron?

I decided to keep reading.

December 12th, 1997

"Lola was born the 27th. Ray was mad and wouldn't go see her. He wouldn't even drive me to the hospital, he was so angry. I didn't regret Lola one bit. I didn't regret Kameron. How could I? They're both the sweetest things. They look just like their father, and they even act like him. Lola  rubs her nose like he does, and Kameron tugs on the back of his hair. They remind me so much of him.

    Ray still hadn't come to see me. I had to have Kameron stay with Emeric for the week because I didn't trust Ray at home with him alone. I went home a few days after Lola was born and made sure Kameron stayed at Emeric's. The moment Ray saw her, he packed up and left. I didn't know if he was going to come back or not. I cried the first two nights and took care of Lola and made sure she slept next to me because we didn't have a room for her. I didn't think we ever would, and I was worried about that.

    But last week when Ray came home, he told me instantly that he had bought a house in New York . He packed a bag for me and had the movers come pick up everything and bring it to our new house. It all happened so fast. He had called the moving trucks days earlier, so they ended up coming  right as we were leaving. Everything was boxed up and we were gone.

    I was driving and went to Emeric's house to get Kameron so I could take him with us. Ray wasn't okay with that, and he took the steering wheel to try and get me to turn around. We almost got into a car accident. When I got to Emeric's, he was giving Kameron lunch. I told him the plan and that I was taking Kameron with me. Emeric didn't want that and was fighting to keep Kameron with him. He wouldn't let me take him. I remember his exact words: "You can't take the only last thing I have away from me."

    I knew I couldn't take Kameron away from him. I told Emeric that Kameron needed his mother, but Emeric said he would be better off with him. I knew he was right and I started crying. Ray wanted to leave but I didn't want to let go of Kameron. I was scared because he had been standing in the doorway that whole time and that's not what I want for him. He's 10-years-old. I don't want him to remember me this way.

    I hugged him and kissed him and told him that I'd come to visit. Kameron was crying and screaming, telling me not to leave him. It broke my heart beyond repair. I knew it was completely illegal to be leaving Emeric with custody of Kameron, but it wouldn't matter  if the authorities never found out. I finally left and didn't talk to Ray the whole time. I didn't even know when I was going to see him again. I still don't think I ever will."

    I blinked away my tears in a quick movement. My heart was beating so hard as I pondered the fact that Kameron was my mom's son. And that meant I had a brother. A brother who wasn't Sammy, a brother that I didn't know about. In all likeliness, a half-brother. Emeric seemed to be the father in the situation, as he was given the custody once Mom, Ray, and I left.

    Was I in this situation? Was I there when this happened, or was I just sitting in the car waiting?

    I had a brother.