alright ↠ dylan o'brien

forty.

she stands on the ledge and says
"it looks so high"
it's a long way down
so honey don't leave, don't leave,
please don't leave me now
~Long Way Down by Tom Odell

Dylan

      4:55.
     "Detective?"
     "Yes, Dylan."
     "Please don't take my mom."
     "Don't worry."

                                                                                  *~*~*

     5:52.
     Three rings. Then a pickup.
    "Hello?" my mother's voice  sounded from the phone, wide awake.
     "Mom, it's me," I said nervously. I had been allowed one phone call only, and I needed Mom to know where I was.
     "Dylan?" There was some shuffling in the background, like she was moving things around. "Dylan, where are you?"
     "I'm at the police station. I turned myself in. Mom, I need you to come down here with Julia," I explained with a shaky breath.
     "W-What did you tell them?" she asked.
     "I told them everything, but I made sure that it would only get me in trouble." I had lied about small details of the story so that my mother wouldn't be blamed for keeping us there. It was for the best.
     "You didn't tell them where we live, right?"
     No, I didn't. But I would once Julia and Mom arrived. Then the police would be sent to the apartment and would find Stephen and everything illegal he had. That man deserved to go to jail.
     "No," I said. "Don't worry. Just come down here as quickly as you can."
     "Okay, okay we'll be down there in thirty minutes. Dylan, I love you."
     "I love you too, Mom."

*~*~*
 
     6:17.
     "Detective?"
     "Yes."
     "Have you ever lost someone important to you, and you couldn't get them back?"
     "I think we all have."
     "How do you get through it?"
     "You can't, Dylan."
     "I know."

*~*~*

      6:27.
      Mom and Julia had arrived. I saw them outside of the room through the window, and I quickly spilled to Archibald about where we lived. I told her to send police there because the man who lived there was dangerous and they would more than likely find illegal drugs. "He's the same as Damon," I told her. She left the room for a moment to go inform other officers or whatever and to go ring Mom and Julia in.
      Mom looked tired and messy. Her brown hair was pulled in different directions while her eyes held bags under them. Julia looked almost the same, except her eyes held something dead in them. Mom looked over at me through the window and looked pained. She tried to smile, but I could already see the tears forming in her dark eyes from inside the room. Julia contained a blank expression.
      They disappeared from the window and I was alone for a few moments.
      I was going to jail.
     This was the end of my life as I knew it. But I deserved to pay the price for what I had done.
     About twenty minutes later, Archibald walked into the room, followed by Mom. Not Julia.
     She left the door open wide for Mom to walk in and said that we had twenty minutes before closing the door once again.
     When the door was shut, a dull silence overtook the room. Mom looked sadly over to me from the doorway, and I looked down at the table.
     "Where's Julia," I asked, almost monotonously.
     Archibald had reappeared behind the window.
     Mom gave me a pity-look before slowly walking towards me and sitting down across the table. "She didn't think she should come," she told me softly. "You know how she is—I-I'm sorry."
      Understanding, I nodded. It hurt more than I thought it would, knowing that I wouldn't be seeing Julia for many years to come. But I understood. I wouldn't want to see me, either. I had treated her horribly, holding grudges over her since that night. If she hadn't called the police, none of it would ever have happened. I had to let it to now; it was over. All of it was. We would never go back to how we were before—the kids who had each other's backs, who always took beatings for one another, who would comfort each other in the dark silences the night brought. We would never love each other the way we had before, at most.
     "I know—I know I haven't been much of a mother to you," she began, struggling to speak her words. "I've been selfish, I've only cared about myself. I knew it, too, all those times, but I only care about myself. I-I'm not fit to be a mother. And I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry."
    "Mom, please don't cry."
    "But I don't regret the man you've become. No, I don't. You're so brave." My bottom lip quivered and I felt a lump in my throat form. My mom reached across the table and held on to both of my hands behind the cuffs. "So caring and selfless and brave, Dylan. God, I am so lucky to be your mother. No matter what happens from now on, you'll always be my boy. I-I'm so proud of you. I always will be, no matter what you do. I love you, I l-love you so much," she cried.
    "Mom, please," I whispered.
    "I'm sorry if I made you hate me, please don't hate me."
     "No, no, I could never hate you," I breathed, squeezing my eyes shut. "God, I love you so much, Mom."
     "My baby boy," Mom said, silent tears streaming down her cheeks.
      The kind eyes.
      The scared eyes.
      I began to cry.
      "I'm so scared, Mom." I grasped onto her hand tighter. "I-I don't want to go." I was a little boy again, complaining about the things in life I could never grant for myself. "I've just lost everything. I lost you and Julia and Lola and Domenic, and I can never have anything good in my life without it turning to absolute shit and I'm just such a screw-up, I don't know w-what I did to deserve this," I sobbed, putting my head down on Mom and I's intertwined hands.
       I shook with the sadness I had held in, letting it take over every part of me. I cried for Domenic and his soft whispers at night, for Julia and the way she cried herself to sleep every single night, for Mom and her inner-demons, for Lola and her last word, and I cried for me. It was all I could do to release the pain.
       "Don't you ever, ever say that, baby," Mom said to me and squeezed my hand tightly. I heard her let out a pained cry. "You never deserved any of it. You're just the only one who can take it."
       But I couldn't. I couldn't take the pain. It was too much, the darkness filling me up like water, slowly suffocating me until I was drowning too far beyond reach. I couldn't be saved.
       I lifted up my head and looked at my mother through my puffy eyes, my blurry vision. So beautiful.
       Archibald stood behind the window with a look of sadness dawned on her face. She tapped her wrist four times to signal that we were out of time.
       "I love you," I whispered.
       "I love you more, baby."
       Archibald came into the room then and told Mom that she had to go now. Though she continued to cry almost silently, she kissed my hands, stood up, and left the room without another word.
      Detective Archibald looked at me almost questioningly. Okay?
      It's okay.