Our Nanny is a Boy || bxb

5. Borrow my shoulder

As Peter tucked in Felicia, who had been remarkably quiet today, she suddenly asked: 'Daddy?'

'Yes, my little butterfly?'

'Robin's mommy also died. He said she became a star in the sky, so he can see her at night. Is mommy a star too?'

So that's why he likes stars so much. Peter knew people would often tell their kids that when people died, they became stars. His mom had told him too when his maternal grandfather died, when Peter was seven years old. Peter hadn't told Felicia, because she had never asked. She had seen the coffin lowering into the ground, so Peter was pretty sure that was where she believed her mom was. Peter thought that was okay, also because he himself was not yet ready to talk about Leah. Actually, it was very rare that Felicia even mentioned Leah in front of him.  But ever since Robin became a nanny, Felicia had been asking questions about Leah more frequently. It seemed like she had confided in the older, who was somewhat of a big brother figure to her, and the two had been talking about the concept of death.

Peter thought it was a good thing, since it meant Felicia wasn't just keeping everything in anymore, now finally giving herself the chance to process the loss. Though it also made him feel guilty for not doing his job as her dad well enough.

He patted her head softly. 'If you want her to be a star, she is. You can talk to her too. You can't hear her, but she can hear you.'

'How is that possible?  If she can hear me, I should be able to hear her too, right?' Felicia asked. 'But I guess you are right, since I have never heard her.'

'I think the technology is more advanced on the stars.' Peter replied, praying that she wouldn't ask any more questions. 

'Ahh...' said Felicia, seemingly satisfied, but then she shot up again. 'Wait, how do you know all that?'

'Ehm...' Peter frantically searched for a good answer, but gave up. 'It's because I'm taller than you, I can hear it very, very faintly.'

'Then if I sit on your neck, can I hear mommy too?'

Shit, what should I say? He tried to find a good excuse but Felicia was looking at him with a frown. 'Daddy, are you lying?'

'I'm- well, I did lie about being able to hear mommy.' Peter admitted. 'Actually, it's a bit of a belief. That we can't see or hear it, doesn't mean it isn't there.'

'Hmm...' Felicia considered, not seeming that satisfied.

I suck as a dad. Peter thought to himself, feeling sad.

In an attempt to fix his mistake, he said: 'But if you go to sleep now, you might meet mommy in your dream.'

'But I don't dream...' Felicia said in a sad voice.

I really suck as a dad.  Peter wished Leah was still here. She would be way better at conversations like this. But instead, Felicia was stuck with this mess of a dad.

____________________________________

He was met by Robin offering him a mug of coffee, black with one cube of sugar, how he liked it. The boy was still there, because there was no need for him to leave, and Peter was enjoying getting to know the boy. 'Thanks.' he said in a quiet voice as he sat down.

'You look tired all of a sudden.' the boy remarked. 'Shouldn't you go to sleep early tonight?'

Peter shook his head. 'If I go to bed now, I'll just lay awake there the entire night. I'm just... a bit lonely right now.'