Sketches

23. Too much

Josiah

"What's going on?" Dr Getrude asked, hands poised over her closed book. Great, she was paying attention again. Just when I thought she would pretend I was ok. Even just for a day. To be fair things had sort of escalated out of control. I wasn't supposed to be here, in her office. I wasn't supposed to be here because we didn't have an appointment until this morning at 5 am but I wasn't supposed to be here because I also happened to have things to do. I.e figure out what I had done to Baring to cause him to literally run for the hills.

"Josiah?" Dr Getrude's voice was gentle and even at 9 am she sounded like all she wanted to do was hear me talk. "Your brother said something bad happened last night?"

Well, something bad... It so happened that I had chased Baring outside and even as he drove away at an alarming speed I stood in our driveway screaming out for him. And of course, that may have woken up a few of my family members, basically everyone except Jessica and Jacob. Killian, who came running after my dad, had immediately called Dr Getrude because in his own words, ‘I looked like I was having another panic attack.' But I wasn't, at least it didn't feel like I was. I was awake, aware and full of a lot of questions and the person who could answer them had sped away into the night.

"My story is common, right? Like it's not too much?" I glanced over Dr Getrude's desk. She had a new addition to the objects placed there. There was a small ironman toy that looked out of place in her office. Not a collector's item but more of a toy than anything.

"What do you mean by too much?"

I leaned against the backrest of her couch and with my eyes cast onto her ceiling, I traced the swirls in the paint.

"Like, if I told you and you weren't my therapist you wouldn't flee from my house at 1 am without your shoes?" I paused, mustering strength from within me. I blinked away tears that threatened to embarrass me. After a quick intake of air I looked at Dr Getrude but before she could get a word in I continued, "Because I didn't think it was that scary? Or could it be that I just come on strong? You know, like... I did too much too soon. I should have waited? Right? I should have? If I can't handle my own trauma how could other people do it? I should have held back... Forever."

"I am going to assume this is about your friend?"

I nodded.

"To answer your question. No, your story is not too much." Dr Getrude sat up straight, placing her closed book onto her table. She continued leaning forward, "We all want to believe the people we love and care about will always be able to understand us. That is not always the case but that doesn't mean they stop caring. So maybe your friend didn't flee. There are many reasons why he could have left but you can not get those answers from me."

I snorted, "Don't I know it. But what could it mean? Can you just explain it to me? Or tell me any reasonable explanations for him to run away from me? Did he really hate me that much? Maybe I shouldn't have told him, maybe he thinks I am not worth his time anymore."

"Before you jump to conclusions there are many options to consider before you conclude. You can never know what he thought without asking him..."

I nodded. I already knew that that's why I had planned to go visit him. That probably wasn't going to be a good idea but it was a plan.

" You have to understand that not everyone will be able to digest your story overnight. Maybe he needs to understand some things for himself or have you considered that maybe he went through a similar situation and your story triggered him? Or he felt overwhelmed by the story that he had to go home. There are a lot of other possibilities why he could have left but that doesn't mean he ran from you as a person. The truth is we will never be able to understand other people fully until they tell us what is going on. This is probably the same way you haven't told this friend of yours everything. But what you and I can do is teach you how to handle situations like that. What you need to learn is how to understand that this situation doesn't mean you are too much?"