Sketches

31. Everything I had

Josiah

"You knew!" My voice cracked with every word that passed through my trembling lips.

"Come on babe..." He tried, voice strung out with the emotions that seemed to echoe against my skin.

He was trying to play it off, acting like it wasn't a big deal when it was in fact bigger than anything I had ever known. I shoved my hands into my pockets physically restraining them from doing something I would hate myself for. How could he do this to me? He had sat in my house as I told him my story and then ditched me like I had offended him.

And yet he knew.

He knew because...

He did it!

"Are you trying to placate me right now? About my mother's death?" My voice echoed throughout the silent room, bouncing off every surface before piercing through my skin.

He tried to backtrack as if he could erase what I knew now with a few choice words, "Look. I didn't mean it ok. I didn't..."

"You didn't mean what? To tell me that you are the reason I don't have a mother anymore?" My voice was loud and shook with every word and I clenched my fists within the confines of my pockets.

I was barely holding on to the tears that threatened to spill. Baring stumbled back as if my words had slapped him. He clutched the lower part of his abdomen, eyes wet and wild he tried to redeem himself, "It wasn't like that. It wasn't. I just... It. I..."

"What! You can't speak now?"

"You speak an awful lot for someone that doesn't know how!" He yelled, voice quivering with emotions I didn't quite understand.

"How can I not when my mother's murderer is standing right before me."

"I DIDN'T KILL YOUR MOTHER!" He croaked voice distorted.

"Then what? She accidentally walked into the fire YOU started?"

"It wasn't like that. It wasn't like that. It was..."

"It was what? And... you knew. You knew I was hurting. You knew I was hurting over my mother's death and you didn't tell me. This whole time you were what? Testing if I can be your little therapy experiment? Did it ever cross your mind to tell me?" I sniffled, losing control over a couple of tears. 

"Of course, I wanted to tell you. I was going to..."

"When?" I pulled on my hair as screamed out all the emotions that seemed to have risen to my throat, "When!"

The door behind him opened with a bang and nurse Ratchet stood in the doorway, eyes fleeting between us. I grit my teeth and pushed past Baring. I didn't need to stay for the rest of the day, not if it meant I would be seeing him in the school corridors and everywhere I went.

The parking lot was quiet and my hands trembled as I tried to figure out who to call for a ride. After a couple more seconds of contemplating I texted my father's wife. She wouldn't ask me as many  questions as anyone else in my family. I clutched my hands over my arms.

The sound of feet pounding against the pavement startled me and I turned to see Baring chasing after me. He stopped beside me, red-rimmed eyes glancing over me before he offered me his jacket and a ride home.

My father's wife parked her small red Toyota in the closest space she could find. Too overwhelmed by conflicting emotions to move, I watched her run over to me. A hiccup escaped past my lips and I wiped at the steady stream of tears that seemed to have passed my chin now. I could feel Baring's presence beside me, despite there being a distance between us I felt like he was breathing down my neck.