Teacher's Sin

7th Tuesday

I woke up and Elijah was hugging me. He was so close to me and a day ago I wouldn't have minded it but now I couldn't stand being touched. I moved his arm and moved away from him separating us. I got out of the bed and walked to the bathroom. I shut the door and locked it.

It was around one in the morning and the house was very quiet. I stared at myself in the mirror and looked at my body for the first time since it happened. I actually looked at my body not just glanced at it.

I saw the bruises on my neck that Elijah asked me about and I had a couple others on my arms. I took my shirt off and examined myself more. How can people be so cruel?

"It wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault" I whispered to myself and began to cry once again. "It was my fault, I fought him, I hit him, I hurt him, he did it because he wanted revenge" I said sounding like a literal idiot.

At the age of seventeen I had been sexually assaulted.

Will I ever get over this? I hate myself so much. I look disgusting with all of these bruises and just overall. Why do I look like this? I look absolutely fucking disgusting.

I began to cry harder and I wanted to comfort myself and hug myself but not even I could do it. I couldn't touch my own body, the body I was born with, I couldn't touch it.

"I-I really, really hate myself" I whispered to myself and sat on the sink just staring at myself. I cried and cried and sat there for hours. I had tried to hug myself a couple of times but I literally could not do it.

"Why are you sitting here crying, looking at yourself, don't you see that you'll never be beautiful again?" I said, hurting myself more, and more, and more.

"What are mom and dad thinking right now, are they disappointed because I couldn't defend myself? Are they ashamed, embarrassed?" I asked myself "what about Jenna and Jordan, are they embarrassed about having a stupid sister?" I continued to say to myself only making myself break more each time.

"Does Elijah find me unattractive now? Am I a burden to him? Is this why he broke up with me, because I'm ugly and helpless? Does he find me unworthy now? He doesn't love me anymore, Elijah doesn't love YOU ANYMORE! YOU STUPID DUMB BITCH!" I yelled at myself.

I covered my face and brought my knees up to my chest and cried more.

Here I was sitting on the sink, in fetal position, no shirt, starting at myself and crying. Dumbass.

I stayed there for a couple more minutes and look back up at myself. I wiped my tears and got off of the sink. I threw my shirt back on and unlocked the door I turned the light off in the bathroom and opened the door.

There he was sitting in the same lounge chair drinking whiskey, crying. "Why would you ever do that to yourself" he said and his voice was shaky, he was pinching the bridge of his nose. "You were awake" I said "the whole time, from when you moved me away to now" he said and stood up.

"I-" I said but I didn't know what to say to him because he had heard everything.

"Why Jane, why did you do it?" He asked me and got on his knees as he continued to cry. "Elijah-" I said and my voice began to break and I began to cry.

"Why Jane! WHY DID YOU DO IT!" He yelled and hugged me at my waist. I looked up and began sobbing once again. He was sobbing and I could feel him doing so. He would hug my waist and never once got back up from the floor.

"Jane tell me" he said hurt by what I had done to myself. "I DON'T KNOW!" I yelled and pushed him away walking around the room.

The moonlight was the only light that was in the room. It would've been a perfect memory because if this had never happened we'd probably be kissing under the moonlight, if we had never broken up.

But no, that's not how perfect my life is.

Instead here we were both crying about what I had done to myself.

"I don't know what you think you were doing, but you do not, you don't get to hurt my best friend. You do not get to bully her." He said pointing at me. I'm sorry Eli.

"Jane I love you, so, so much. I don't, I don't know why you would ever doubt that. Even if we're not dating or are dating I will never stop loving you." He said and continued crying struggling to talk to me.

"I'm sorry!" I said and ran my fingers through my hair because I was now hyperventilating.

"You don't get to ever, ever talk to yourself like that again." He said and took a deep breath. "I won't, I'm sorry!" I said and sat down on my bed and calmed myself down.

He stood up and opened the doors to my balcony. He continued crying. "It wasn't you fault Jane" he said shaky from the railing. The cold breeze hit me and I could breathe again.

"I d-don't know what you want me to say" I said quietly and cried silently "you don't have to say anything, you just need to listen" he said and sighed. It wasn't my fault.

"Come" he said. I stood up and walked slowly over to where he was. "See that?" He asked and pointed to the sky "see what?" I asked, my voice still shaky. "The sky" he said "yeah?" I said "okay, now do you see that star right there" he said but this time didn't point.

"Which one, there's billions" I said and stared at one that almost looked blue which caught my eye. "The one that you're looking at" he said "how do you know that I'm looking at one start not the billions of others?" I asked "because it caught your eye, the same way you did me." He said and when I looked back at him he was already looking at me I just didn't notice.

"Jane out of billions of people you are the only one I fell for" he said. I fell for you too, I just don't want to say it now.

I gave him a soft smile and looked back up at the sky. "Which star was it" he asked and looked up. I pointed at it and he looked at it. "The blue one?" He questioned "yeah" I said quietly and put my arm down "well I can see why you looked at that one, it's beautiful, just like you" he said.

I looked at him and for a second I had forgotten all that had happened to me.