Patience

10/23/18(am)- Frankly, IDGAD

My eyes are sore,
My lips are dry,
Spending tonight with my vape,
As the pillow watches me cry.
What the fuck even was that response,
Why didnt you apologize?
Made me feel unwanted, crazy
Just another face with two more eyes.
Im me.
The wife you want,
Or at least thats what was said to me,
But honestly, maybe our friends were right...
You've hurt me.

And i know you know it,
I want to make sure you do,
In the moment I needed you most,
But where were you?
Unavailable- typical,
Emotionless prick,
Kid I love- loved- kinna still do,
Stuck in the middle- slick waiting for you,
To say the right things.
Perform your best dance,
Im wondering why im sore,
Weeping each night away,
While you smoke with your home girl,
Up in all that Circle K.

Is it bad I would rather you prove to me youre not lying?
Is it worse I have felt like you are?
I still have no idea of proper communication with the way you section off your time for everyone but me and simply put Im wide awake but my eyes are hurting me.
What is so wrong with me that repetition is such a nagging bitch?
Cursing and fighting me like ive done an injustice!?
Well excuse me for feeling,
Trying to still care for what doesnt feel is even there,
It's gone.
The feeling...the love...the thought of possibly having that future with the kids playing...it isnt worth this hill I'm forced to climb over.
You never cared to go forward,
Well maybe you did...at one point,
Now it is me who is left to count up the tally...
And it seems you win.

Im worth less than any other pussy all cause I fooled myself.
Trying to make you into someone you cant be because as youve reminded me, "You've never changed."
And Im okay with everything.
The fake love,
Narcissitic arguments you never lost,
The less than thanks I got for making you were fed better than not.

The things I do for love,
One I could never give myself,
Cause unlike you- I didnt get a way out. I had what love should be striped from me and I grew to understand abuse was the only way anyone could ever love me and I became okay with accepting that I will never succeed at finding a real love, that is more than love without spreading my legs or touching the clouds above my head with my mind while im grounded in someone else's bed.

Interesting the words that escape my mind,
Enter my soul and wrap me tight but refuse to let go,
The tears burn now and I want them to cease but i dont believe they ever will until your toxicity is released.
I love you but tonight- Im sitting still caught between two decisions,
Cut you off or return the favor?
One would be dicey while the other a little easier,
But which is worthy of the feeling you made clear?

THE END