(continues on) ...perhaps this pain I feel is only me reacting and instead of releasing and seeking my known cure...you arent that far but your heart I know Ive made it sore. Sore for love, sore with it present. But i cannot speak for the words you hold within...i want to still be there in your arms...yet im suffering and it hurts to be apart. The energy to run to your space, lay in your embrace, sleep on your heart and hear its beat beat...beat...beat...beat. I fear ive shattered the pieces...more because I again failed to come home. Leaving you with the baby knowing my part goes unfulfilled. She's already developed my separation anxieties and knowing Im not coming home to her kills me.
Im sorry. I was wrong. I know pain eases but this is heating itself to boiling...im a lit fuse with no need for a match. Just wish me aflame and see me burn...my tears evaporate to nothingness and prayers unanswered. I deserve this pain...you do not. And i hold not your skepticism to a heavy place. It makes sense and I cannot say it doesnt. I love you but I keep hurting you and I regret it. Youre my peace and I push you away with emotional impulses that shouldnt be it...it shouldnt it- not the reason we end. Not the reason our love ends...not from the inside coming back out just to lay in a shallow grave. Im leaving that space for me...cause thats the only thing i deserve from me...silence, isolation, broken peace and an inability to be loved in return. Im not attacking you nor laying blame. I just dont feel worthy of being loved by anyone...not even myself.
YOU ARE READING
Patience
PoetryYou gave a muse to me, so strong I lost me loving you... Coming back...slowly...writing what I think and am too afraid to believe or possibly see but am ignoring...no longer. 4/5/18-4/9/19 Thank you Papi, beloved. R.I.H. May 4 (😶)
