Patience

10/31/18- brought to attention

I feel that Ive made my fear a reality- your look sees differently of me, and I wish Id worked harder at my emotional breakage. Reassured myself you had me but you didnt in the time and I wish I could let that one go. But just as you hold me to breaking up for the third time in a row...i know i stress you out. I dont mean for my feelings to come across as a cruel game im forcing in your heart. From the bottom of mine, hurting you was never apart of my plan. My desires for us and the things that havent happened yet. All the love at all stages, watching the babies grow into their faces and we're aging beautifully together and you kiss my hand...but honestly I dont know if you want to feel that pain. I fear you are hesistant...more than before- before we became a thing. I know im not what you had in mind though you tell me im fine when i start to think hard about how i feel for you and myself. And i admit i doubt who i am still. It is easier since i moved back into the ecosystem we built up. I guess I miss feeling fully free with you...i see that now. In all honesty, it is like im becoming a droning broad who absorbs all the energy and im selfish with it. Maybe im disappearing and attaining a new body...one you dont recognize or can empathize yet we continue on this ride and i find it harder to connect back to you and find the things that excite you to want to spend more time with me. I try something different each day but it all has just ended with only me. I dont want it to be just me and today when you didnt even see me though i was standing right next to you...i even messaged you but you chose to ignore me? Or just not see me? I called your name, twice, and you couldnt hear me. I only wanted a kiss from you- a better one than the one from this mornin, too. I want you to tell me when you want away from me and...and....I still love you despite all the hate i still have for me.
I just want to know why you didnt hear me?