Patience

2/12/19- at arm's length

I believe youre convinced I tried to kill you...take you away from this life, my love, your anger, and that pain by causing you agony. I dont know why but i have assumptions...that will stay that without presuming that a little...or two giant voices have curdled the scent we've developed...that's been boiling from the stock on the stove. Ive lost my appetite for food...you I dont know. I had to sit down...close my eyes and breathe. My legs hurt and back's aching...Im so tired of the fight. My heart wont stop breaking. Nothing is worth this woe...but I wont give up on somethin that posseses me so. Keeps me warm but honestly questioning though. I have been enjoyin time apart...learning how to be me as i can be but baby, i fear youve grown to resent me and now you secretly harbor hate for me for the pain I watched you hold. 
I promise i wished no pain, only peace. i wished all the pain to be taken from you and unto my body just so that you could sleep.
But shrug...where all of this matters to me, you can only see what i do wrong...and it seems those external voices and have gone after me....and youre listening.
So shrug...it feels like youre second-guessing me. Rethinking who you are to me, and i to you...us- we...we might be in jeopardy. I guess that just depends on who you choose to listen to. But i wont make you choose me...it isnt right. Pitting against those who will always love you most...i could never compare...so shrug if you choose them over me. I will walk and cry later. Be only with me and thats forever. Forget all the songs that speak to you for me...all the scents that make you think of me- this pussy you crave so earnestly.
So shrug...if we are still together thru anything...im learning thats how you see life...and more than likely see me. Life continues on the front lines, the pain fades, and the colors run away...who knows how to navigate this form of treachery? I sure as hell do not, and you are the guide I see...but emotionally i am drained.
I wish you were next to me.
I wish you could see the ache within me.
I want you to feel me...not my body...but part of me sees youd lose interest in me...for how long? Kinna wanna try and see.
Just to know...what i mean to you and if it matches what you mean to me.
Reciprocity and Consistency.

You said i could see you tonight still...
Yet you still never said you loved me.
Hopefully you will, but if not, then shrug, something im used to...afterall to love is a matter of worth...and i think im worthy, kinna maybe.