Patience

10

I never want to hurt him. Pain is something I deserve, not him. This place is hell for both of us...and I'm the Devil. I wish understanding for him- not offense or rage. Information I never spent comes from my lips...living in fear doesnt pave my road to what's forward from that.
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This feeling...overwhelming.
This skin...cold and untouchable.
This mind...scattered and unstable.
This body...empty and still moving.
This heart...yearnful, tearful, unsure...broken and missing yet... healing.

Each day is a new battle,
I cannot imagine your fight,
Interpret my words as you wish,
I look not to another,
All is simply a wish.

Im going to reminisce on love and happiness.
The thoughts that make me smile and cry,
The memories are bittersweet,
I still feel your hands cover me,
And I smile, your warmth in my hair,
Exposing my face from hiding there.

I still crave these each night and every morning I wake with a new memory...

Sharing spoonfuls of peanut butter- it doesnt taste the same anymore, so i just dont eat it. Toast is meh. Food is impossibly heavy.

Knowing when he's behind me and loving the brush of your hands on my hips or feeling your energy shift from romance to goofiness and now we're in the middle of some weird dance- i wonder if i'll ever know that laughter again...be able to enjoy the energy again. I missed this most of all after your fall from the ramp...many days n nights i started to cry standing at the stove, id turn my head feeling a prescence there. Look at your height, I didnt meet your eyes, but below Esco was there.

The stir of you when youre horny- the pale blue above the curtain signalling an "are you awake?" Not always verbally, but rest assuredly, you got what was...and is yours. I havent given that part of me away...dont want to, in truth. Im still very deeply attached to you. I dont believe anyone could ever know me even comparable to you. And im holding onto that truth. No one will ever be you- not even just in this way.

You tried to learn what every sigh meant- easy one was knowing when i was hungry or just high or feeling an emotion I hadnt worded yet...but i think i started changing up- i know you were annoyed with it.

Hearing the clinking of your plate and ring- still a sound i search for early in the morning...still a sound i am searching for still- is that a bad thing? It still gives me comfort. I hear it in my head now, and i still reach for the chain around my neck. I relish the look on your mother's face when she realized who gave me it- her stomach dropped, breath missed an inhale, pupils dilated...this i could hear and see. I believe this is when she began really studying me. First mom to hate me. I still wanna prove her wrong.

Leaning on your legs or still having a spot for my legs to be up on- an armrest you feared pressing down on. I promise it never hurt unless my feet went to sleep.

You being the first and only guy I let touch my feet-
(Paused at 10:30p 3/7/19)

(Continued at 6:50a 3/8/19)
- a mental block broken. One of many you brought me through. Feet are still gross though. But I do wish you could rub my feet...though I get the reservation. A trick played and followed by damnation.

At night, I still search for your body-
Poke out my butt, reach a hand behind me, scoot backwards in my sleep but i never find you...it is only me. Im told being lonely is apart of this process. Knowing i wont be held, touched, cared for intimately- intimacy is dead- yet i still see only you touching me...wanting that finger impression, the lines on your digit matching the lines on mine.

During the day, I miss how we'd meet. I think about how you wanted everyone to react to us the way that trio did...I want to share my world with you because that is exactly whats happened. And I have not made effort to change it...though it makes me cry at time...i dont know if i can ever say it. Maybe that makes me weak. Maybe im a coward running from my own two feet. Dont feel im deserving of all the attention...but im glad it's coming to me n not you. Dont want you to be anymore burdened by me...I just wish we couldve eaten longer that day when I was agitated yet my voice was the sweetest sound - a week had gone by and you were breathing fresh air and the coolest 40oz just from listening to me rant and go off...letting me vent but finding the sympathy you knew of. I thought only of you.

I remember our Waffle House date after you stood me up. Jess convinced me to go...wasnt gonna at first but im happy i did. And no, i ddnt share details after even when she asked. You made up for it- the waitresses you knew kept staring at me and i wasnt sure how to feel, slightly intimidated, so i focused on you. Worth the butterflies. Worth the dry mouth. Worth almost busting my ass on the sidewalk and getting run over. It was this night that fueled my knowledge of just how intently you watched me shift n grow. Dunno how beautiful you thought i was though.

The greenbelt trips...i miss them badly. That was the point you and have ever stood so closely. Even when i broke, you held me close and didnt let me go.
Ive failed you...another reason i made myself go. Embarrassing reminder of my worthlessness, incapable of listening, and impossible to work thru. This is what i see, not you, and i want to believe you but im afraid you dont believe it too.

The way you always check my crusty eyes...still makes me laugh...but then cry. I have thought about why you did that, you loved my eyes just as much as i love yours. Theyre the best part of me physically...and you hoped the babies would have them, that'd be enough to break you and make you whole again. It's an aesthetic tarnished by crust in the corners. "Dont worry love. I got em. *looks over glasses, scrapes crust*" never forgetting tht. I tried to make sure I didnt have any all while at the hospital...but i failed there too. Cause i found some when you got out of surgery...idk if u saw bt i could feel it after a minute...gross.

Your smirk. Not your bigger smile, the small "hmm...i love you" before you would put your hand on my face or in my hair or around my waist and pull me closer. I lived for these moments. I felt more loved and in love when I watched your breathing pause...i knew your heart skipped a beat..maybe two...or maybe it genuinely stopped until you touched me and i didnt know.

I wake up each day lying the same way i did with you. Clinging, but your heartbeat is missing nd i feel empty. Wont ever let go of that.

Kissing you before I left. You kissing me before you leave. That's why leaving hurt and still does more than any other stressor. I didnt kiss you. But you did kiss me before I went to get work done...and I replay tht kiss each day n i shouldnt bc it makes me-

The sheets...the comforter...the way your room grew with personality...it was you then it became part of me. I still call home where my heart rests, glowing growing and at peace- do you still have it? Cause i dont feel it beating.
Keep it.

Hehe, im sorry I forgot our very first date. I hadnt considered it a date at first because it wasnt stated so but i enjoyed every second by the window in the booth farthest from the kitchen...tuesdays was the taco day and it was perfect for me. Every time after that day, i considered it a date. Even the few times, Frankie was there to mediate and calm the tension. I hvnt spoken to her since november...bt that was it.

I still replay Perfecto, too. That song still colors the best day yet...that day will last forever, as long as that song plays. Vince Staples not Mensa-corrected, Ski Mask, CDot, GangStarr and lyricist youd shown me. I still see you vibing.

1522 words...and i have a world of memories left but not enough words to say...Writing them makes it hard to get out of bed. But i know gettin them here will help me get out of my head and back into this life...wishing you could hold my hand...but hating tht i wont let you.

(added 3/21/19) When we're high and he sings his heartsongs...living back at home- the memories saved. I sit on your lap listening to you croon and sway, tightening your hold around my waist...the words in the book dont mean  jack to me. Being present here is where id rather be...hearing you sing in my ear. My mockingbird song. I wish id written down the names to those songs...id listen to them again, read the lyrics to better understand.

Please forgive me...we step slowly in a circle. My hands wrapped in yours as you pull my arms around your neck. Kiss my left cheek, then my right, then my nose, then my eye...and smile when i giggle and sigh. Our families wont see why or possibly they will...that isnt our battle to fight. This one is more of a forward wish...hopeful bliss?

Reading, "get you a girl that doesnt have a wrong hole" and i immediately smile because i know where that source was found. In my butt...then Instagram turned up the sound. Still a favorite, i want to read more.

1772 words...i wish you would read. Or perhaps you have...just not speaking to me.
♡

I'll be adding to this as the words come to me. Right now, I lack and lag...trying to see the happy and trying to be.